i suck at summarees
by bicubed
Summary: i got mad at 'plot,' 'canon,' and 'consistency.'
1. Chapter 1

i suck at summarees

Disclaimer: You are shocked to see a disclaimer here. What action do you take?  
A. Go North B. Go Dennis C. Genuflect D. Stick it in

A/N: if u give me constructive critisim i will cut myself 2 sleep an report u 2 livejournal abuse

oh wait, i mean abuse

* * *

**ch 1 : lust**

"Unfortunately no one can be told what the matrix is, you have to see it for yourself" -Morpheus

"If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one." -Mother Teresa

"Oh look, it's Mr. Noodle's brother, Mr. Noodle." -Elmo

"His name is Robert Paulson. His name is Robert Paulson." -Project Mayhem Members

"Once there was an ugly barnacle, he was so ugly that everyone died. The End." -Patrick

"'Tis but a scratch." -The Black Knight

"I think he is as good as anyone" -Chuck Norris

"If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity."-Deuteronomy 25:11-12

"Nee noo nee noo noo nee nooooooo!" -Typewriter

* * *

A/M: OH, BTW, I ALMOST FORGOT 

_/song lyrics/_

-character thinky waves-

::actions i was too lazy to write out::

* * *

_/do u evar feel like breaking down/_

Zax wuz braking wit me. NO, I MEAN SEFEROTH. HE WAS BRAKING UP WIT SEFFY-SAMA. he was steering wheeling him 2.

"I think it's time that we should break up." he said. (Zack did)

"That's what she said." poor Sephy-sama replied. (Translators Note: The 'sama' implies that Sephy is a very important person.)

"That is what who said?" Zackary asked Seph-Sephykins

"Your mom last night," poor Sephers exclaimed through tears.

_/do u evar feel out uv plaise/_

"THERE YOU GO AGAIN, FUCKING EVERYONE'S MOM." Zack exploded into anger, opening his mouth to speak again.

i, the author, feel the need to stop Zacky's sentence for a minute to describe Seph-Seph's hair. it's shiny, silver, and shit. ok. here we go.

"WASN'T YOUR MOM ENOUGH, SEPH?" Zack cried out, and then his voice got soft, "...Wasn't your mom enough?" he echoed (Zack did).

They then had braking up sex. i feel too lazy to describe it right now, but it was hot... and hard... and sticky. Sephirlena was whimpering for more and shit. He would have been uke, but he has a vagina, and all. Cum wuz everywhere lyke ice creem. Neyways...

_/lyke somehow u just dont belong, ur cat don't understand you/_

Seph started to cry again, "You have a big cock, I have a tight hole... I just don't see why we are breaking up, Zack"

Zack petted the long silver fur that grew from Sephy's scalp (called hair), "It's because I'm like a bird, Seph"

_/do u evar wanna runaway, do u lock urself in ur room/_

"I will only fly away."

_/u masturb8 with the radio loud, so no1 hears u screaming/_

"I don't know where my soul is."

_/NO U DON' KNOE WUT ITS LYKE, WHEN NUTTIN FEELS AWLRIGHT, NO U DON' KNOE WUT IT LYKE 2B MEE/_

"I don't know where my home is."

_/i forget the lyrics::CUTTING AND MOANING NOISES::/_

And then Sephiroth killed everyone, including the fanfic author.

Or really, he just killed Zack and all of the members of A Simple Plan.

He then proceeded to make a Linkin Park AMV about the relationship between himself, Zack, and the Masamune entitled 'In The End.' It was an acoustic version that he had played and sang himself while sniffling and injecting himself with heroine in between intervals.

...Little did he know that Naruto would be coming for Zack's revenge.


	2. Chapter 2

ch 2: gluttony

A/N: Just to answer some ?'s- yes, they are still on planet namek. they will continue to be on planet namek for the next five minutes, after which, the whole universe is going to die.

i am cereal! no bad reviews, OR ELSE!

..i am a fragile authoress... TTTT

(o.o)(o.o)(o.o)KIRBY, BETCH!

Zack had been dead for five years now.

Sephiroth is now pregnant with his child.

You just think about what that implies.

He (Seph) tried falling down the stairs a few times (to kill the baby, because that's what falling down steps can do).

He (Seph) tried to kill it (the baby) with a coat hanger.

He (Seph) even, as a last resort, went to an abortion clinic.

Pro-life campaigners rallied in front of the door and called him (Seph) a 'murderer.'

That is when Seph's baby ate itself out of his manuterus and began attacking them. Pretty soon, everyone was a zombie, and the world was end.

...but that was before NARUTO CAME INTO SEPHIROTH'S LIFE!!

...and he was BLOODTHIRSTY FOR REVENGE!!

...DON'T YOU LOOK COOL, NARUTO?!

...SASUNARU 4 EVA!!

(u knoe wut? i am just goin' 2 replaise naruto w/ an lolcat)

...and the kitten was BLOODTHIRSTY FOR REVENGE!!

"I CAN HAS CHEESEBURGER! I CAN HAS CHEESEBURGER! I CAN HAS A MOTHER FIN' CHEESEBURGER!" it jeered, and Sephiroth was tempted to say 'yes' when...

...Naruto was STAB-BED BY SEPHIROTH'S SWORD!! (i got tired of replaising naruto w/ an lolcat)

It was tiem for a Naruot pre-death monologue.

"Zack... I never knew you, but... I have failed you... blearg, i die..." and then he (naruto, not the lolcat) was deaded.

"Hey, Seph," Zack said, "wanna fuck?"

"NO!," Sephy-foo-foo shrilled, "DO NOT U THINK TAHT IS TEH WAY I GOT PREGGORZ?"

"Ok," Zack pouted, "I guess we'll fuck instead."

"Sounds good to me." Sephy-Seph sed.

LITTLE DID THEY KNOW THAT AERIS WAS DEAD.

I MEAN,

LITTLE DID THEY KNOW THAT AERIS WAS WATCHING THEM MASTURBATE, USING EACH OTHER'S BODIES AS HANDS. 


	3. Chapter 3

ch 3: greed

A/N: You used to captivate me, by your resonating light. Just so you know.

/ \/ \/\ / \/ : \

: : \ /

\ / \ / \

/ / \

\--/ \ /

/ \ /

u knoe what? no1 cares about aeris, i'm replaising her wit scarlet, 'cept scarlet is a dumb name, so her naem is now goin' 2b 'tiffanee to the second power'

tiffanee to the second power (tx2, for short) was a pervert for watchin' seph and zack fuck. tx2 was a dirty girl for watchin' sephy and zack get drrrrty. tx2 was a freak in the night lookin' at sephy and zack and nanaki get freaky.

u herd me.

Zack has blonde hair.

Do not argue with me, yes he (Zack) does.

It's Claude Strife you are thinking about that has the black spikey hair.

No, not Cloud Strife, Claude Strife.

STOP ARGUING WITH ME! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT SEPHIROTH IS GOING THROUGH A VERY HARD TIME IN HIS LIFE?  
ZACK HAS BEEN DEAD FOR FIVE YEARS, AND SEPHIROTH JUST GOT PREGNANT WITH HIS BABY! CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW HARD THAT IS? WHY DON'T YOU STEP INTO HIS SHOES FOR A LITTLE BIT? HUH? HUH?  
IT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE TOO SCARED TO (STEP INTO SEPH'S SHOES.  
IT'S BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER NEVER LOVED YOU.  
AND SANTA CLAUSE IS NOT REAL.  
AND ASHLEY SIMPSON LIPSYNCS.  
AND AMERICA HAS NO TALENT.  
THAT'S WHY.

LEAVE SEPHY ALONE!!

but Sephiroth has to move on with his life, so he gets married to Cloud Strife because he has pretty cool lookin' black spikey hair.

BUT THEN, CLAUDE'S EX AND HALF-SISTER, NOTAMARY SUE (NOTA FOR SHORT) COMES BACK IN CLOUD'S LIFE. 


	4. Chapter 4

ch 4: sloth

~~~

You read Chapter 4 here, and it makes you burst into tears with its witty dialouge and colorful, thought-provoking prose. 


	5. Chapter 5

ch 5: wrath

~~~

i don't feel like writing about nota write now, i want some action scene and teh angst instead

"HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON MY WITH MY BEST FRIEND?" Zack wailed.

"YOU WERE DEAD." Seph explained.

"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO OUR UNBORN UNDEAD SPAWN?" Zack wailed, with 30% more wail to the ed.

"YOU WERE DEAD." Seph explained.

"I GUESS THAT IS A PRETTY GOOD REASON. STILL, I NEVER WANTED YOU TO MOVE ON, I WANTED YOU TO MOURN FOR ME FOREVER, DAMNIT! WHY AM I STILL YELLING?" Zack wailed most-er-est.

Zack had been dead for fourteen years, now.

Seph has just learned that he (Seph) is pregnant with their (Seph and Zack's) first child.

Sephirlumpkins went and took a piss outside.

This angered the Clouds, who did not like having evaporated piss in them.

*FIGHT SCENE BETWEEN PREGNANT SEPHIRLUMPKINS AND CLAUDE*

"NO, WHAT HAVE I DONE?" Cloud said over Seph's dead body. "I SUDDENLY REALISE THAT I HAVE LOVED YOU ALL ALONG!"

"Then there is only one thing that you can do, Spike..." Zack said apologetically, "and you know what that is."

Seph had been dead for four years, now.

Cloud is pregnant with his (Seph's) twins. he married zax and moved on with his life.

BUT THEN NOTA, HIS EX AND HALF-SISTER COMES BACK INTO HIS LIFE.

...NEXT TIME

To be Continued...(?) 


	6. Chapter 6

ch 6: Envy

A/N: i decided i did not like the plot anymore, so rocks fall and everyone dies

~~~

Notamary Sue, who was not modeled after the authoress or any of her friends, was married to Feffiroff despite the fact that Sephiroth was gay and had a lisp, just like steriotypical gay men tend to have.

Disregard that, your grandmother sucks eggs.

The authore of this fanfiction is very mature.

Nota was perfect. She was half dragon, half werewolf, half goddess, half elf, half fairy, half demon, half earth, fire, water, wind, heart, and Captain Planet spirit, and not at all a Mary Sue. What intrigued Seph about her, despite the fact that he was gay, was that she was from a foreign, mystical land, and that she had tentacles like his mother did. Being gay, he was more interested in the tentacles.

Nota then married every boy mentioned in this fanfic and in every other fanfic ever written and then screwed them and had all of their children. They called her vagina 'the factory,' and when the factory broke...

..they killed her and ate her body while her children watched...

...and then there was a famine, so then they all ate her children to survive...

...one of these children grew up to be Anthony Hopkins, but only when he is playing the character 'Hannibal' on screne. When he is not 'Hannibal,' he miraculously has different childhood circumstances.

I made Nota after you, Tiffanee, BFFs foreva!

~Well it was alright for /us/ to marry her, Cloud, but she was your half sister.~ Zack thought bubbled.

~Exactly. It was only /half/ incest.~ Cloud responded back

~Well-~ Zack almost thought before he was interrupted by the authoress for a second time-

STAY TUNED TO SEE WHAT THE HECK HE WAS GOING TO SAY! 


	7. Chapter 7

ch 7: pride

~~~

~Well gomenasai desu~ Zackusu tabemashita."^^6"

"Ja na~! Kawaii! Kowaii!" Kuraudo karaoke.

/Ohi~o! =^_^=/ Sefirosu sushi no yume to Tokyo X/1999

Cloud: 07734, l33t o.O;;

Zack: "ARIGATOU MERCI!"

THERE ARE DEAD BODIES UNDER THE CHERRY TREES!!!

Zack fuera muerto para cinco anos, ya.  
Sephiroth estaba nuevamente embarassada con su hijo.

... antes que NARUTO ENTRO EN LA VIDA DE SEPHIROTH!!!

Pero Zax estaba muerto. Gomen.

Owari for now. Lazy desu. 


	8. Chapter 8

ch 8: bed-wetting

i think i rite very pretty-like

~~~

i go into school and i see a very pretty guy with shiny white hair that i never seen before. i say hello muraki. muraki smile and go tip-toe thru daisies w/ me. PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK

hubert cumberdale says i his brand of heroin

many mosquitoes think so 2 as evidence by the bite marks PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK PARAGRAPH BREAKS ARE FOR THE WEAK

DIALOGUE TAGS ARE FOR THE WEAK; TOO,

"where is waldo!"

You look at the 8th installment of this peice of shit and wonder why the author has suddenly changed point of view and where the main characters are. You suddenly are aware that YOU are the main character. Bricks were threw them at this fanfic. All in vain. In vaiiiiiinnnnnnnn.

YOU DON LYKE DIS FANFIC WELL U DOES NOT DESERTVE TEH NXT CHAPPIE

I BETTER THAN ALL U

I BETTER THAN PIGS

COVERED IN CHEESECAKE

YOU CANNOT DISAGREE, CHEESECAKE IS PRETTY DAMNED GOOD.

AND THEN SASUKE WAS EMO AND HATED SAKURA BECAUSE SHE GOT IN THE WAY OF HIS CURIOUS GEORGE/BOB THE BUILDER OTP.

THIS CHAPTER HAS ONLY JUST BEGUN, SERIAL-KILLERS-OF-THOSE-CONTAINING-BLUBBERY-BUTTS, 


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9: I Use The Seven Deadly Sins To Sound More Profound Than I Really Am ~~~

The rear of Cloud's foot lifted, giving pressure to the front of his pristine left foot as his adonis-like left knee drew in and folded, causing his picturesque left foot to rise like a timid shoolgirl up in the air. The particles of air dared to chill his angrily pretty left toes, toe-nails, that rebelliously vibrant left ankle. And then, like life, the foot descended, falling, it's fate to clash against the rough particles of ivory-colored rock like our souls clash against death and spiral onward onto hell.

I remember those days, when my mother told me the perils of walking and how it pertained to our torturous existences. Up and down our feet go, as if the wheel of fortune. Up and down, up and down, in and out, in and out, like being fucked. And yes, fate fucks with us and bashes us against that unfeeling ground again and again. Our feet only suffer part of the torture.

"If I must go on walking, I shall do it for the grecansdale..." Cloud announced to the callous air wistfully as it blew the sun-kissed feathers of his hair across the top of his boyishly girlish eyebrows.

"If it is for the grecansdale, I shall do anything," he sighed morosely and without the air of one about to say a dramatic cliche.

"Even if it means my life." 


End file.
